My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
We need it on priority
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Close call…
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
inside you are two wolves
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.