Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Imma just leave this here…………

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over