Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.