My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.