My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
#dalle2
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
This could’ve been an email.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.