My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Doctors texting each other.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
6: are snakes just neck?