My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

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Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.


ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.


I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children


“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”


My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm


Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don’t even mention Captain America at all.


the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts


I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.


[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]


Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.