@lisaxy424

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

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@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@Dutch_50

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

@Dschnoeb

Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don’t even mention Captain America at all.

@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@krisv_723

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.