Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell