My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
