My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
wishing you and yours all the best
