My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Hot Hot Hot
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
October already? What’s next? November????
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
