My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
🛁
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
