My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The United Steaks of America
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.