My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 馃槀
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I鈥檓 crying im so happy for them
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that鈥檚 $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pok茅mon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i鈥檓 just here to werk
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My sister: can you believe that I鈥檓 pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I鈥檓 not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s