My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”