My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.