My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor