Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

How to find Kentucky on a map

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

X-tra spooky blend

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two