My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.