Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀