Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Not recommended for beginners.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside