My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Happy Star Wars day!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
wut hotdog?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end