My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.