Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

u guys got any snacks onboard here

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

My love language is hissing.