My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.