@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@kimlockhartga

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

@JonasPolsky

When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.

@dreadnaught69

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

@AnkCoupleTO

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”