I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
That’s incredible! 👌
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
January has been Januweary
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It’s a gift
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?