My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

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[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy


Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl


Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…



Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?


Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.


When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.


She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home


Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it


Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”