Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

🐟✨ #re4

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Please do it!

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk