“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes