Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST