My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???