Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

When you have to use a public restroom.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

We need more people like this.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.