My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
This squirrel eats better than I do
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water