My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems