My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
fly smarter, not harder
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Happy Febuary everyone!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago