My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.


3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal


me: *makes oatmeal


“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.


My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.


I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.


i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.


If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?


I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.


hard to imagine a better divorce outcome than getting 50 billion dollars and then your ex literally leaves the planet