@KaylaKumari

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

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@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@blade_funner

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@novicefather

3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal

3yo:

me: *makes oatmeal

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@impaulmccoy

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@MuscleSkoals

hard to imagine a better divorce outcome than getting 50 billion dollars and then your ex literally leaves the planet