My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’d hang this in my house.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The 6 types of sex
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Matthew was born for this.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
