my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
You Might Also Like
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
How wrong was this guy?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.