my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away