my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
#catsoftwitter
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.