My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Does beer think about me too?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras