Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Maths meets science

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick