Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.