My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping