My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Just organising my finances.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work