My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.