My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
technically true but not a great slogan
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning