My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.