My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house