Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.