@CourtRundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

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@KenJennings

FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr

@AlisonChrista

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@StephenBCramer

Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

@Eagle_Vision

Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.