My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
this came to me in a vision
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.