My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
just pretend nothing happened
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday