My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
lol
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Never forget.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
