My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
