My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
This one, by a wide margin
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
🖕🏻👽
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My first child will be named New Folder.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
United Steaks of America
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
