My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver


If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am


*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.


Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter


For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.