My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.