My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.