My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
