My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
