My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
this post was so formative to me
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
