My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
