Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

how many bears make up a bear minimum

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

when dads have a rap battle

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

she has a point

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH