my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
April 1st is the class clown of days.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!