my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”