Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*