My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.