Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.