My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free