My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Bloody internet 😳
