My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake