My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Guys, I found it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.