My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
❤️🦆
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…