My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
This is why I hate group projects
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
This one’s “Alex”.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all