My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.