My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Are these grass-fed oranges?
good news everyone
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!