My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~