My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
You Might Also Like
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
hand it over!
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
an airline just for babies.